This is a Blue post.
They’re rare these days, so I’m sure you can handle it.
I can’t always be hilarious….jeeeeeez!
While I am happier than I remember being in a long time, while my sad-making body chemicals are finally starting to right themselves and while everything seems a little clearer and a little brighter, there are Blue Moments.
I guess, you don’t just get over a relationship like the one I had with Him.
Sure, I’ve distracted myself from it.
I’ve pushed it down under lots of other things.
I’ve been very practical and factual about it on the surface.
And I sometimes I really do think ‘Hey this isn’t so bad!”
But most of the time, all I’m dealing with is what’s on the surface.
Because I don’t think I can deal with all of it at once.
I think I’m fine – I think I’m making progress – and then I realise I’m really not.
It overwhelms me and I know I’ve been kidding myself.
It’s still a ‘thing’.
It still hurts.
And I curl up into a tight little ball and stay very still and very quiet for a little while.
And then I feel better.
I feel brighter.
I still feel we made the right decision.
Most of the time, I feel I’ve moved on.
Other times it feels like I never will.
And it’s made me afraid.
Afraid to open up to someone new.
Afraid to be any more than ‘casual’.
Because moving on means letting go.
It also means stepping into The Unknown.
Being vulnerable and risking being hurt like the many times it happened before Him.
Being with Him was safe and warm and just full of love.
He was my home.
It was never like that with anyone else.
Right now, I don’t think I can be hurt again.
And I don’t know if I can find someone to make me feel like that again.
But I do have hope.
And I do know that this feeling isn’t forever.
I can already see how much progress I’ve made since it all happened.
And I know I can’t stay in this one place – this limbo – forever.
Moving on is a good thing.
A scary thing.
But a good thing.
I’m tentative and I’m building up walls.
But I’m leaving gaps between the bricks.
Just in case.
The last time I drank Malibu was at the start of my final year in college, after which I proceeded to sit down on the campus ground outside the student laundrette and pour my drink into the air vents so that it would somehow get into the washing machines and “everyone’s clothes will smell like summer”.
In reality all that was happening was that the drink was trickling back out of the vent and onto the ground, where it soaked into my pretty blue Topshop dress.
Which I didn’t even notice.
Because I was so happy.
And when I did notice an hour or so later, I was still happy.
Probably because I smelled like ‘summer’.
Anyway, that was the last time I touched the stuff – not sure why – until the table quiz I was at on Wednesday night.
The night went something like this:
(times are TOTALLY being made-up here for effect)
8pm: Yay, my team is awesome…we could totally win this!
8:50pm: We kicked ass in those two rounds!
9:15pm: Sports Round is not our friend, but we’re still doing really well!
9:30:pm: What do you mean we’re in last place!!!?
9:31pm: Stupid table quiz.
9:32pm: I take that back, this is fun…we can still win this!
9:50pm: Yeah we’re not going to win this.
10:15pm: YAY! Team Mate won a bottle Malibu and a GIANT BOX of Milk Tray in the raffle!
10:16pm: And Team Mate is SHARING those treasures with us!
10:20pm: Mmmm this is nice, why did I ever stop drinking this?
10:37pm: EVERYONE IS MY FRIEND!!!! I LOVE YOU ALL AND WANT TO CUDDLE EVERY LAST ONE OF YOU!
10:45pm: We won the prize for best team name! Go TaranTeamo!!!! THIS IS THE HAPPIEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!
11:00pm: I’m really looking forward to doing the early shift in work tomorrow and drinking more is such a lovely idea! Life is great!!
11:05pm: OMG! We came in third-last place!! AMAZING!!!!
And so continued the night of sheer happiness.
And I have finally realised that Malibu is my happy drink.
I become a child, wide-eyed and filled with wonder!
And it even continues into the next day’s hangover:
Me: *starts laughing hysterically*
Work Chum: What?
Me: Oh God, I went to type ‘Bobby’ and typed ‘Booby’ instead!!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!
Work Chum joined in this laughter because her sleep deprivation had made her hysterical and confused.
And so I have made an important life decision.
I will just drink Malibu constantly!