The Unknown Number

*walking into The Roomie’s room with a toothbrush shoved in my mouth on Friday night*

Me: Just letting you know that CDG is coming over soon.
The Roomie: Oh cool. I had a text from a strange number earlier asking me to go for coffee if I was around. I think it might be that stalker guy.
Me: Oh really? How do you know?
The Roomie: Well I don’t – I didn’t reply – but it was written in the way he normally writes texts.
Me: *brushing teeth* Hmmm, well you lost a lot of number when your phone got stolen so it might be someone you actually like. Oh like that guy you went out with that time! You should reply.
The Roomie: No, because if it’s Stalker Guy, I’ve refused to answer his texts for the last six months, and if it is him, he’ll kick it all off again!
Me: But if it’s Date Guy, then you might put him off.
The Roomie: Hmmmm….
Me: Why don’t you ring the number off my phone and see if you recognise the voice?
The Roomie: No, because if it’s him, he might recognise my voice!
Me: But you’re ringing off a strange number, so it wouldn’t even occur to him that it would be you.
The Roomie: I don’t know…oh wait! Isn’t there that thing where you put a number into the phone number while you’re dialing and then you go straight through to voicemail!?
Me: *shrugs shoulders* *tries to stop toothpastey spit from dripping down chin*
The Roomie: I think you put in a ‘5’ after the first three numbers and then dial the rest.
Me: Mkay, what’s the number?
The Roomie: *calls out number*
Me: *dials* What’s the Stalker Guy”s name?
The Roomie: Aodhan
Me: Cool. Gah! There’s a computer voice! It’s telling me to do stuff! Oh God….uhm…Gah! *hangs up* So that didn’t work then.
The Roomie: Ah ok.
Me: So do you want me to just ring?
The Roomie: Yes please.
Me: *dials again* It’s ringing. Oh God I’m really nervous now.
The Roomie: Keep your toothbrush in your mouth…it disguises your voice!
Me: Ok. Wait hold on, he doesn’t know me!! I’m going…eeep!
Phone Voice: Hello?
Me: Gah, uhm Hello! Eh…who is this?
Phone Voice: Hello?
Me: *making wild gestures at The Roomie* Oh, uhm, God I’m sorry, I actually think I might have the wrong number.
Phone Voice: Who are you looking for?
Me: *don’t say Aodhan, don’t say Aodhan, don’t say Aodhan* Uhm….Ao….ah, Brian. I’m looking for Brian. But, em, this is the wrong number.
Phone Voice: *laughs* Yes it is.
Me: Really sorry about that!
Phone Voice: No worries, have a nice night.
Me: You too! *hangs up* Brian!? Brian. Brian!?? I panicked and went to say his actual name and then moved to the next letter of the alphabet…and came up with ‘Brian’!
The Roomie: So who was it!?
Me: A boy, so well, we’ve narrowed it down to a boy. Which isn’t that helpful. He sounds nice though, so maybe not Stalker Boy. He sounds D4ish, but Nice D4ish, not Knob D4ish. *does impression* “Have a nice night”. Right, that actually just sounded exactly like my own voice.
The Roomie: We probably should’ve put it on loud speaker.
Me: Yeah….that was a really terrible plan….


The Kissing Game

It’s tough, you know.
I’d forgotten.
I’d even become a little cocky about my own abilities.
Four years of kissing just one boy makes you an expert.
An expert in kissing that one boy.
And possibly in any other boy who kisses exactly like him.

But not an expert in kissing as an art.

I’m off my game.
I automatically start in a certain way and then there’s a ‘gah’ moment when I realise that it’s really not working.
Not in this situation.
Not with this boy.

So I have to adjust my methods.
It’s awkward.
And not helped by that fact that I’m usually tipsy when it happens.
I don’t know where to move or what to do or what angle to work.
I have a system that I now have to abandon and start from scratch.
Left or right?
Light kissing?
Oh so you do that with your tongue.
And your hands are there….already?
Why aren’t you hands there yet!?
Oh God, am I going to0 fast?
Am I being a slutty kisser!?

*grabs the paper bag to stop the hysterics*

And this is just the kissing part.
This is supposed to be the easy part!

I hate being bad at things.
I have a horrible character flaw of trying for about 5mins to do something and if I’m not automatically awesome at it, I get unbelievably frustrated and I pack it in.
Obviously that’s left me able to do very few things well.
So far I have ‘eating’ and ‘sarcasm’.

I’m quite fond of kissing though, so I’d rather not give up in this case.
I’m just going to have to find someone I can kiss amazingly INSTANTLY.
Not much to ask, right?

Surely it’s not supposed to be this stressful….