Why I think God hates me…

A traumatic childhood filled with taunts and jokes about your giant hair will make a person a little neurotic/paranoid/obsessed with the stuff on their head.
I’m one of those people.
My mother wasn’t all that bothered with learning how to control my thick, super-curly hair and instead just let it grow REALLY long and brushed the shit out of it every day.
Basically I looked like this until I was about 13…
Yup…there’s nothing like a wardrobe consisting of hand-me-downs from the early eighties to put the finishing touches to my tragic childhood.

It’s taken me a long time to tame and develop a style for my crazy mane.
Crazy-curly thick black hair is a bit of a nightmare.
Especially when hairdressers won’t listen to you.
And it got even worse when I started dying it a couple of years ago.
It was impossible to find someone who could do my hair in the right way and I cried more tears over it than I have over anything else.
I know it sounds shallow.
But it’s not.
It’s a traumatic-childhood-issue.
If my hair looks terrible, I’m transported right back to being the poor freak-show kid getting picked on in the school yard all over again.
It’s a confidence thing, because let’s face it, people judge you by your appearence and people can be cruel.

I thought I’d found the Holy Grail in a small hairdressers in Tallaght before Christmas and I returned today, thinking I wouldn’t have a problem.
When the dye was rinsed out  and I was plonked back in front of the mirror for the cut, I glanced at my reflection.
Is that piece of hair completely white?
Holy shit, are all my highlights white!!!!?
Surely the stylist will say something…I talked to her about this so she knows the colour I was trying to achieve.
I looked at her with a horrified expression
She kept combing away.

“Uhm….they’re very…blonde, aren’t they?” I said eventually.
“Yeah,” she said.
She looked at me with a ‘what’s the problem’ expression on her face.
“Uhm…well, that wasn’t the colour we were talking about.”
She blinked at me.
“Like, last time I was here, you gave me lovely brown highlights; these are…white.”
She sighed.
“Do you want me to put some toner in to darken them?” she said, looking irritated.
Do you even have to ask that question!?

The colour turned out ok in the end.
Although as she cut my hair, she unearthed one highlight that the colourist had missed when putting the toner in.
It was still white.
She stopped.
She saw me looking.
She hesitated….and then she kept cutting.
I didn’t have the energy to argue again.
Man, I hate going to hairdressers.


The Diary of a Pre-Teen -Part 7

I’m afraid this is the last Diary Entry, folks. In this installment, we see pre-teen Hermia battle with the traumas of emerging hormones and impending teenagedom. She also gives an insightful analysis of the Millenium.

Thursday 18th October 1999

Dear Diary,
So I think David and Clare are dating.
I saw them about 2 weeks ago. I got off the school bus at my stop and Clare got off as well even though it wasn’t her stop because she had seen David. So he was walking along where I was and I said Hi and Clare said she was going home and made to walk in the same direction as him, so I headed off. But as I turned around, I saw the two of them moving close together like they were in love.
I just want him to love me. I want him to put his arms around my waist, pull me close, tilt my chin up and kiss me. Then I’d be happy.
But it’s never going to happen.
So I’ll go,

Sunday 21st November

Dear Diary,
Penny got her period on Friday the 12th. I can’t help feeling a bit down. She’s already wearing a bra and I’m still in a vest. It’s really embarrassing in school when we’re changing for PE but I hide it, because if the girls ever found out I’d never live it down. I’m going to try and get one but I’ve nothing to put in it.
Oh yeah, I finished my book Behind You. It ended at 103 pages. I’m re-writing it now.
Alison is my best friend in school now.
Penny is still my best ever friend.
Gotta go,

Saturday 1st January 2000

Can You Believe It Diary?
Today is the first day of the Millenium! At 12 o’clock we ran out onto the road. There were loads of fireworks and bright colours brightening up the dark, black sky and there were green firework fountains and exploding rockets everywhere! And people ran up and down the road wishing everyone a Happy New Millenium and drinking. It was great!
Christmas was good too. I got Penny a Steps tape and she got me a Celine Dion tape.
I don’t like David anymore. Well, it’s a New Year’s resolution. It’s getting ridiculous. I’m daydreaming about him and fantasising about him asking me out. It’s so stupid. It can’t be healthy. So that’s that, I guess.
My Celine Dion tape rocks. I’m listening to it right now.
Going now,

And that’s all, Folks!

The Diary of a Pre-Teen -Part 5

I never said my life was interesting…

Monday 16th August 1999

Dear Diary,
“A friend in need is a friend indeed”. A well known phrase and I guess it is true. I mean me and Penny have both needed each other a lot this summer and we’re GREAT friends. This is the first summer I’ve been friends with her and it has been the best summer of my life.
Time to put the pen away,

Tuesday 17th August 1999

Dear Diary,
I wonder when I’ll get a chest. I wonder if I’ll look OK with them.
Penny and I found this gold ball in the field today. We were really hyper cos we’d had Rocket Soda and Penny called it Pierre. We were bouncing it on the side of a house at the end of the road, but after 6 times it bounced into the house’s alley. Since no one was home, we tried to think of plans to get it back cos the owners had locked their alley gate. If we climbed the wall, we thought it might look like we were robbing the place, so we thought that if we got a long stick we could sweep the ball through the gaps in the gate but we couldn’t find a long enough stick.
Gotta go,
PS: Penny told me she’s not going to smoke anymore. Colette is smoking like a chimney. Almost 10 A DAY!!! I’m glad Penny has seen sense.

Sunday 22nd August 1999

Dear Diary,
Got my school coat yesterday. It’s nice. Can’t wait to start my new school.

David (Boy I fancy)
Colette, Penny (best friends)
Ciara, Becs, Sharon (in our group)
Moany Granny (50-something-year-old that lived at the end of my road)

The Diary of a Pre-Teen -Part 2

In today’s installment, you will hear the wonderfully exciting scandal from my pre-primary world…and also some mortifying declarations of devotion…

Thursday 8th July 1999

Here, listen to this. Ciara’s parents had gone out and her little sister was going out to the garden to play with her friend. Ciara asked her to tell Becs not to call in for Ciara because she was going for a sleep. So her sister told Becs, but Becs called in for Ciara anyway and woke her up. So Ciara brought her in anyway but fell asleep on the couch in the middle of the conversation. A while later she was woken up by someone messing around in her room. She was terrified cos she thought the house was being burgled. So she crept upstairs and looked into her room and saw Becs rooting thru her JEWELLERY BOX!! So Ciara started cursing at her and threw her out. Can you believe her?
So long,

Friday 9th July 1999

Dear Diary,
My end of year phots were wrecked. The negatives were spoilt. Pity. Colette and Penny never called in for me today. I get the feeling Penny’s trying to get Colette as her best friend and Penny seems to want to get rid of me.
I want David. I fancy David. He’s so very very hot!!!!
That’s all today,

Saturday 17th July 1999

Dear Diary,
Listen to this. There’s this woman on the corner of my road and we were sitting on her wall and she came out and gave out to us a few days ago. So we (Penny and I) climbed thru the big hedge at the side of her garden and messed with some of the round stones in her garden and arranged them into arrows. Then today, Colette was with us and she wanted to do it as well, so we messed up the stones and the old lady (we’re calling her Moany Granny)came out and said she had seen us and if we did it again, she’d call the police. Stupid or what?
Gotta go,

David (Boy I fancy)
Colette, Penny (best friends)
Ciara, Becs, Sharon (in our group)
Moany Granny (50-something-year-old that lived at the end of my road)

Let me tell you about the time I….was in a super cool band

So I was browsing through Perez today (as I do) and I came across a snippet of Nicole Richie on Ellen.

And as I am a fan of both Ellen and Nicole, I decided to have a goo.

Especially since the title was “Nicole Rapping”,or something along those lines.

Turns out that Nicole was part of a girl rap group with her two best friends ….when they were 8.

And she could still remember their “rap” song.

Obviously I *awhed* at how embarrassed her cute little head was and then *scoffed* at the fact she was in a rap band….and at the fact that 20 years later she could remember the songs they wrote….

….and then I stopped scoffing.

Because I remember that when I was 13 …eh, also 8, myself and my then-bessie also formed a band.

And it may have also been rap orientated.

And I may have been still able to remember the lyrics when I tried to.


My BFF at the time was called Jemma, so her nickname was Jem and with my name being Hermia, I was obviously Cat.

So the “band” was called Cat-Jem.

Which sounded like Catch ‘Em.

Which we thought was bitchin’

Very embarrassing for Adult Moi.

And at the time it was very cool for girl groups to sing and have some rap parts in their songs.

So we decided to be “hip” and “cool”….no wait, we had this theory that “cool” was so overused that it wasn’t cool to say it anymore, so we said “Groovy” because groovy wasn’t used and therefore we were way cooler than everyone else by not using “Cool” and opting for the word that no one used….

….we were WAY existential back then.

Anyway, yes we decided that we would be “current” and sing AND rap (and I use the term “rap” very loosely) for our first track. *cringes*

And so….here is a snippet from our infamous first single….

Verse 1-Rap

Jem: I’m Jem

Me: I’m Cat

Together: We’re coming at you just like that

Jem: Don’t think we’re nice like sugar and spice

Me: Gonna chill you boys like a block of ice

Jem: Watch out for us, the new girls in town

Me: Gonna party all night gonna boogie all night

Chorus-Sing Together:

Watch out for us, guuuuuuuuys

You’ll ne-ver believe your eyyyyyyes

Gonna rock your world like never befoooooore

Party with us, get down on the floor…

Oh yes, yes dear readers, I AM being perfectly serious.

This isn’t a terrible joke.

It’s just terrible.

In fact that is only the tip of the Titanic-submerging iceberg.

My personal favourite was verse seven or something, which went something like this…

Me: Hey Jem, tell em about us

Jem: Well Cat, they’re gonna make a big fuss.

Me: See them watching as we walk down the street

Jem: Well some of those guys you wouldn’t want to meet…

Now obviously the only reason anyone was “watching” us was because I had giant man-swallowing nest hair and also probably because we were very white girls (she was a ginger) trying to rap.

Also, I should explain that in Dublin terms “meet” is another word for “kiss” so…..

….yup, you’re right, I don’t even NEED to verbalise an insult for that line…

Oh to be young again *world weary sigh*

And sure at least I’m cool NOW…..right????….RIGHT!!!??????