Me: Just letting you know that CDG is coming over soon.
The Roomie: Oh cool. I had a text from a strange number earlier asking me to go for coffee if I was around. I think it might be that stalker guy.
Me: Oh really? How do you know?
The Roomie: Well I don’t – I didn’t reply – but it was written in the way he normally writes texts.
Me: *brushing teeth* Hmmm, well you lost a lot of number when your phone got stolen so it might be someone you actually like. Oh like that guy you went out with that time! You should reply.
The Roomie: No, because if it’s Stalker Guy, I’ve refused to answer his texts for the last six months, and if it is him, he’ll kick it all off again!
Me: But if it’s Date Guy, then you might put him off.
The Roomie: Hmmmm….
Me: Why don’t you ring the number off my phone and see if you recognise the voice?
The Roomie: No, because if it’s him, he might recognise my voice!
Me: But you’re ringing off a strange number, so it wouldn’t even occur to him that it would be you.
The Roomie: I don’t know…oh wait! Isn’t there that thing where you put a number into the phone number while you’re dialing and then you go straight through to voicemail!?
Me: *shrugs shoulders* *tries to stop toothpastey spit from dripping down chin*
The Roomie: I think you put in a ‘5’ after the first three numbers and then dial the rest.
Me: Mkay, what’s the number?
The Roomie: *calls out number*
Me: *dials* What’s the Stalker Guy”s name?
The Roomie: Aodhan
Me: Cool. Gah! There’s a computer voice! It’s telling me to do stuff! Oh God….uhm…Gah! *hangs up* So that didn’t work then.
The Roomie: Ah ok.
Me: So do you want me to just ring?
The Roomie: Yes please.
Me: *dials again* It’s ringing. Oh God I’m really nervous now.
The Roomie: Keep your toothbrush in your mouth…it disguises your voice!
Me: Ok. Wait hold on, he doesn’t know me!! I’m going…eeep!
Phone Voice: Hello?
Me: Gah, uhm Hello! Eh…who is this?
Phone Voice: Hello?
Me: *making wild gestures at The Roomie* Oh, uhm, God I’m sorry, I actually think I might have the wrong number.
Phone Voice: Who are you looking for?
Me: *don’t say Aodhan, don’t say Aodhan, don’t say Aodhan* Uhm….Ao….ah, Brian. I’m looking for Brian. But, em, this is the wrong number.
Phone Voice: *laughs* Yes it is.
Me: Really sorry about that!
Phone Voice: No worries, have a nice night.
Me: You too! *hangs up* Brian!? Brian. Brian!?? I panicked and went to say his actual name and then moved to the next letter of the alphabet…and came up with ‘Brian’!
The Roomie: So who was it!?
Me: A boy, so well, we’ve narrowed it down to a boy. Which isn’t that helpful. He sounds nice though, so maybe not Stalker Boy. He sounds D4ish, but Nice D4ish, not Knob D4ish. *does impression* “Have a nice night”. Right, that actually just sounded exactly like my own voice.
The Roomie: We probably should’ve put it on loud speaker.
Me: Yeah….that was a really terrible plan….
While I do miss Him and just being in a relationship, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t enjoying being properly single for the first time in about six years.
Sure there are the Blue Periods and moments where your heart hurts and breathing become difficult, but all in all, The Single Life is quite pleasant.
I feel my age again, free of the stress of saving for a mortgage or trying to stick to Our Five Year Plan.
I go out on week nights again (something that’s made a lot easier since moving into the heart of the city), I’m strengthening relationships with old friends and I’ve the time and energy to start new friendships.
One downside though is having to rejig friendships with a couple of my guy friends.
I’ve always had far more male friends than female, and for years, I’ve been One Of The Lads, which was refreshing and comfortable – I just didn’t realise the reason this was so easy for me to achieve in some cases was because I had a boyfriend.
Someone to put a ‘This Girl Is A No-Go’ sign around my neck.
(not literally…cos that would be weird…and very Edward Cullen-esque)
But now the sign is gone.
And suddenly those easy relationships have a new twist.
And Jesus, I don’t mean that every boy I know is throwing himself at me (pffft, ‘as if’, to quote Cher), but in some cases, things have shifted.
The easy relationship isn’t so easy anymore.
Things aren’t a straightforward black-and-white and there’s a deliberate drifting into the grey.
Any physical contact leaves you wondering What Was Meant By That, whereas six month ago I could’ve sat on their laps for hours with the greatest of ease and no awkwardness whatsoever.
Suddenly the term I Always Had A Thing For You is being thrown around.
And even worse, YOU’RE starting to look at THEM differently.
They’re not the Kid-Brother Type anymore – they’re A Boy you get on really well with and What Does That Mean!?
You have When Harry Met Sally on repeat, which you watch while shouting “Shut up, Harry! We can be friends! We Can! We Can!…can’t we?”
Don’t get me wrong.
In most cases it’s been fine.
In fact, most of my guy friends have rallied around me and adopted Protective Brother roles.
But there are a couple that have been difficult.
The Rules have changed.
And so I’ve had to change to suit them.
I met him during this college programme I attended the week before Orientation Week.
It was a summer school of sorts, where a small number of incoming First Years (I’m special, y’all!) were given the opportunity to stay on campus for a week and meet other new students and experience all the college had to offer.
I was actually one of the best weeks of my life!
And was my first real taste of freedom.
The programme had a number of group leaders who were current students at the college, and one of my group leaders was P.
He was very pretty and quiet and nice and had very amazing eyes which he just locked onto yours when he was talking to you.
We got on really well and at the end of the week, we exchanged phone numbers.
His suggestion, not mine!
And so some casual texting followed.
But this wasn’t enough for me.
And so began the Stalkfest.
Hormones completely took over and while I am normally very level-headed about this kind of thing, I decided I was in love with him and that I had no other choice but to marry him and have his babies.
An so I hung around the Humanities building A LOT (we were both doing humanities degrees).
I checked his course timetable online (oh God, I know!) and then casually made sure I was in the area he was having class in, which was followed by a delightful conversation,consisting of “Hiiiiiiiii” and maybe a “How are you?”.
Cmon, I was so far gone at this stage my nerves couldn’t deal with an ACTUAL conversation with him.
I knew which computer room he used, and poor Lyndsay, being the wonderful friend she is, consented to hanging out in this particular computer lab which also happened to be the WORST computer lab in the whole college.
And then, purely by accident, I discovered where he worked in town, and used to frequent this shop.
It actually wasn’t TOO suspicious as it was the only H&M (oh God I hope he NEVER finds this blog) we had in town at that time.
And then there was the time I skipped a HUGE Drama Soc after-show party to go to a less-than-fine Christmas Party that he said he’d be going to.
He didn’t show.
I still hate that I missed that party.
But then he got himself a girlfriend his own age (there were 3 or 4 years between us) and possibly also copped that I was the one ringing his phone on a private number at 3am and breathing heavily down the receiver at him, and so he stopped talking to me.
And I stopped stalking him.
And actually forgot all about him until I saw him the next year looking a little greasy and not at all pretty anymore, to which I mentally responded “ha ha ha HA…reject ME will ye!?”
Because I’m so mature.
Thankfully this was the last time I was ever so ridiculous, and I became SO much cooler with the male kind from there on….eh, sorta.
But it was definitely the last and the worst Stalkfest I ever conducted.
I kinda miss those crazy days.
Maybe I’ll try stalking The Boy for a while cos hiding in bushes is ALWAYS fun….