The Magic Faraway Spree

“I’m sooooo poor,” I sighed dramatically, flopping into a spare chair beside Work Chum.
“Me too,” she said forlornly.
“I just don’t have any money anymore,” I said. “It’s all gone on rent and bills and groceries, although I used to have more left over than I do now…I don’t know what’s happened!”
“I hate being an adult,” she said, thumping down on her keyboard.
“Yeah, me too!” I agreed. “I miss shopping. I miss it so much. My wardrobe just seems so stale and boring now. I need lots of money – a second job or a Lotto win maybe?” I added another dramatic sigh for effect. “I could do with a good healthy shopping spree! I really need a nice new winter coat and some lovely dresses. And shoes! And skirts that aren’t halfway up my arse, because I appear not to have bought a skirt since I was 19 and in college, when it was acceptable to have skirts that short.”
Work Chum laughed.
“And oh God, I need to revamp my underwear drawer,” I said, swinging in the swivel chair. “It’s just depressing at this stage and girls need nice underwear.”
“Yup,” she agreed.
“Not that I have manky greying knickers or anything,” I clarified quickly. “But you know, living with your long-term boyfriend means you stop worrying about how pretty your underwear is or if you’ve nice matching sets. He already knows all your girl secrets and how lace and silk is not a daily occurrence.”
I thought for a second.
“Where do you even by nice underwear these days when you’re an adult?” I asked. “I used to go to La Senza but that’s kind of tacky now.”
“Yeah, I never go there,” Work Chum told me. “I go to M&S.”
“Oh really?”
“Yup or Brown Thomas.”
“Oh yeah, there are some beautiful pieces in there, but they’re all so expensive,” I said.
She nodded. “But I have to go to those places to get bras to fit me.”
“You’re so lucky though,” I told her.
She shook her head. “No, it’s not that fun.”
“Eh, not that fun is being a AA cup up until about two years ago. I was was stuck with training bras or the occasional teeny A cup,” I told her. “It was only when I went on The Pill that I actually got boobs and even now…” I looked down. “Well they’re getting smaller again, because I’ve come off it…I should really get back on it. Just for boobs.”
“Ha, ha ha ha, ‘just for boobs’. But seriously it’s tough,” she told me. “And the bras don’t look that nice – they’re HUGE!”
I laughed. “At least it’s feminine though! You have a lovely curvy shape! I just go straight down in a line.”
We laughed.
“It’s so stressful,” she said.
“Indeed it is,” I agreed. “I think I’ll just go back to vests.”

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A little letter to …Peaches Geldof

Dear Peaches,

Omg Omg Omg. I’m so excited to be writing this letter to you, although I’ll admit that part of me is really nervous because I know it won’t reach your high level of writing and so, you may think little of me.

But Peaches, isn’t it just terribly harsh to judge people who weren’t blessed with all your literary talent? I mean, I know it’s a drag when you watch all these people fumble their way through journalism degrees and english degrees to work in such a terribly low-grade publications like The Independent or The Mail, and then actually think they deserve to call themselves ‘writers’.

It’s degrading enough for them to have to do that kind of terrible job without super-talented people like you pointing it out. Like we all know how terribly beneath you we all are, but when you think about it, it’s just not possible for everyone to have your genius. I guess what I’m saying is that even though I know you hate lying, maybe you could just not point out when someone is stuck in a crappy job or on the breadline.

Oh God, I so hope I haven’t offended you. You know I love you, but sometimes your words can hurt.

I do hate to find fault with you, Peaches and let’s face it, it is nearly impossible to do! I mean you’re so interesting looking, and you have hobo chic so down that it looks natural on you, and you’re this really great writer who totally gets by on her own talent and not on her family name.

And you stick by your principles. You don’t write for crummy newspapers or conventional magazines like Marie Claire. You went off and did your own thing by working on Nylon Magazine (web publications are so the future, you’re right!), and didn’t sell out your dreams, like the working class hacks trying to pay rent and support a family in a cut-throat recession.

I mean really, I just want to say you’re my idol and I want to be like you.

I would just love to have your carefree ‘whatever’ attitude, where you step on people to get your own way and don’t think twice about it, but unfortunately I’m being dragged down by this inconvenient thing called a ‘soul’.

Anyhoo, I really hope you read this letter, although again I can totally understand if you think you’re too important to read something writen by a nobody like me.

Yours forever,

Hermia.

PS: I totally agree with you being a better role model for young girls than Miley Cyrus. You’re so open and honest and those girls need someone who’ll tell them that it’s not the end of the world if you take drugs and will show them how to get their own way no matter what.

inspired by this article


A little letter to …Serena Van Der Woodsen

Dear Serena of Season 2,

Thank you for taking a stand.

Thank you for spurring on the feminist movement.

Thank you for trying to make it ok for girls to wear clothes that are incredibly unflattering to their shape.

Thank you for stepping up and saying, Hey, we can look like trashy tramps if we want!

Screw the fashion gurus who say you can’t bare your legs AND your clevage at the same time.

Girl Power!!

Lots o Love,

Hermia

PS: I really think clown make-up will be the next big thing!


A little letter to …The Kristen Stewart Enthusiasts on Lovelyish

Dear All-the-Kristen-Supporters-who-commented-on-my-post-here,

Wow, you guys have opened my eyes.

I am such a hater. I really need to stop writing things that I feel and have researched very well just because I’m soooo unbelievably jealous of the people I criticise.

I mean if I don’t like something, I shouldn’t bother thinking about it or writing about it, because that’s how problems are solved.

I’m also so grateful that you pointed out that if I was to attempt to play Bella in Twilight, I would probably be terrible. I’m just so lucky that I was never so blind as to attempt to forge a career as an actor when I can’t act and hate crowds.

I just feel so guilty about pointing out Kristen’s bad attitude when she’s obviously so misunderstood. I mean, forget the fact that I had actually watched a vast number of interviews before writing the post, in which she rolled her eyes everytime she was asked a question that wasn’t “serious enough” for her and complained about all the Twilight fans. She’s so right: what right have they got to love Twilight and the actors, even if they are the ones currently funding her career.

 I really am just so horrible and shallow. Everybody knows that girls who criticise other girls just do it because they hate themselves and are jealous of the success of others. It’s nothing to do with the fact that the girl might actually have those faults.

I should just sit back from now on and say nothing when people act as though they’re the greatest thing on earth and teach people that you don’t have to be polite or nice as long as you get what you want.

And I also love you guys for making really intelligent suggestions for me to just not watch anything that might have Kristen Stewart in it if she bothers me. I mean so what if I liked the Twilight books or think Adventureland looks like a good flick: I should just boycott them.

I’m really going to try hard from now on not to be trashy and critical of people who haven’t done anything to me personally: that worked really well with Hitler.

Also you guys hit the nail on the head when you said Lovelylish were so wrong for posting my piece on their site; a site which is about beauty and fashion. Beauty is so only on the outside, and they really shouldn’t feature anything that criticises a lack of good manners or the absence of  inner-beauty in a person acting as a role-model to young girls.

I am forever in your debt, Kristen-Defenders,

Catherine.

PS: Thanks to the guy who said I obviously don’t know what a person looks like when they’re high, even though I said that other people had questioned her lucidity:  I’ll now make it my mission to experience what getting high is actually like so I’ll never make a mistake like that again.


A little letter to …Lauren Conrad

Dear LC,

Hey, Girlfriend!!! OMG, like, can you actually believe Spencer and Heidi, and, like, the total drama with them in I’m A Celebrity!?

I mean, like, no way, right?

It’s so great that you’re, like, so totally amazing and, like, so much better than them!

You’re just, like, so real and it’s so totally awesome how you’re always, like, ‘Whatever’ about them and always telling everyone who’ll listen how unbelievably fake and media-whorish they are!

I mean you’re, like,  so much more modest and dignified than them …that’s probably why, like, 2 totally real-life shows followed you around all the time.

And like, they’re, like, sooo stoopid, and you’re, like, really smart, because you’re, like, writing teen books to teach girls how to be all, like, empty-headed and selfish and blonde and how to act and dress like a sexually active 25 year old at age 12, so like, whatever Heidi and Spencer.

Oh and like, they don’t even have a clothing line and like, how could anyone forget yours. It was, like, so totally amazing, even if it was ridiculously expensive and was dropped because no one would buy it, but like, whatever!

Anyway, kiss-kiss, gotta run. Hair appointment.

Love ya!

Catherine.

PS: You were so the bigger person by going to their wedding because it was so because you’re like soooo nice and not because The Hills producers wrote it in the script.