The Blues

This is a Blue post.
They’re rare these days, so I’m sure you can handle it.
I can’t always be hilarious….jeeeeeez!
While I am happier than I remember being in a long time, while my sad-making body chemicals are finally starting to right themselves and while everything seems a little clearer and a little brighter, there are Blue Moments.

I guess, you don’t just get over a relationship like the one I had with Him.
Sure, I’ve distracted myself from it.
I’ve pushed it down under lots of other things.
I’ve been very practical and factual about it on the surface.
And I sometimes I really do think ‘Hey this isn’t so bad!”

But most of the time, all I’m dealing with is what’s on the surface.
Because I don’t think I can deal with all of it at once.
I think I’m fine – I think I’m making progress – and then I realise I’m really not.
It overwhelms me and I know I’ve been kidding myself.
It’s still a ‘thing’.
It still hurts.
And I curl up into a tight little ball and stay very still and very quiet for a little while.

And then I feel better.
I feel brighter.
I still feel we made the right decision.

Most of the time, I feel I’ve moved on.
Other times it feels like I never will.
And it’s made me afraid.
Afraid to open up to someone new.
Afraid to be any more than ‘casual’.
Because moving on means letting go.
It also means stepping into The Unknown.
Being vulnerable and risking being hurt like the many times it happened before Him.
Being with Him was safe and warm and just full of love.
He was my home.
It was never like that with anyone else.

Right now, I don’t think I can be hurt again.
And I don’t know if I can find someone to make me feel like that again.
But I do have hope.
And I do know that this feeling isn’t forever.
I can already see how much progress I’ve made since it all happened.
And I know I can’t stay in this one place – this limbo – forever.
Moving on is a good thing.
A scary thing.
But a good thing.

I’m tentative and I’m building up walls.
But I’m leaving gaps between the bricks.
Just in case.

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11 Comments on “The Blues”

  1. Cat says:

    I’m late to the party here, i’ve just read your ‘little letter to the boy’ post and I shed a tear, sniff.
    Without knowing the ins & outs of your relationship & how things ended, I could relate to SO MUCH that you’d written in that post. After the most stressful 18mths of my life i’m at a crossroads in my relationship of 4 years…and he’s the one that supported me through these past 18mths.

    There’s nothing more courageous than deciding it’s time, it’s what i’ve been toying with for the past few months and there’s no definitive answer.
    I admire your strength to blog about this. It’s not easy with people telling you that it’ll get easier and that in time you won’t feel so bad. You know there’ll be good days and bad. You’re an inspiration and I hope that the good days soon start to outnumber the bad x

    • CC says:

      That was a really sweet comment – thank you. And I promise, it’s mainly good days at this point (not GREAT, but good is good) and the down moments aren’t that common.
      I hope you find a solution to your own problem *hug* feel free to email or DM me if you need to chat 🙂

  2. it’s okay to still feel like that sometimes C. you’ll find someone else when you’re good & ready, I promise.

    and as it’s friday, here’s a song for you – http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CXQT8sb6WvY

  3. Cat says:

    Thank you 🙂 And likewise – I love nothing more than a good chinwag and a moan about stuff – I’m great craic, I swear!!

  4. I’m a firm believer that you can’t help what your heart feels. It’s okay to be sad about it. It’s okay to be happy about it. It’s okay not to know how to define how you feel.

    Don’t force yourself to move on. You#’ll know you’re ready to fall for someone again when you realise that you’ve already fallen. You can’t help your heart.,

  5. Emma says:

    *Squeal* I love this blog. I loved ACNH too! Even if sometimes you don’t know where you are and what you’re doing, you always know who you are, which is fantastic. It shines so brightly in your posts…perhaps that’s why they are always so believable and honest.

    Love when Facebook tells me you have a new one!
    Keep up the good work
    x

  6. kellebelle says:

    Really honest post. Hope the blue days are few and far between for you now xxx

  7. whisty says:

    I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone to deal with this kind of situation better than you are, both outwardly, and from what you’ve written here, privately. The fact that you still have hope and you’re leaving gaps in the bricks of your wall, is possibly the most heart-warming, inspiring part of all this. Most people would give up after that much hurt and build their wall thick and high…
    Xxx

    • CC says:

      Thanks Whisty *hug* Rest assured that on the inside, I’m always running in circles, waving my arms around frantically with my hair on fire! 😛

  8. terra says:

    I say grief is like the ocean – it comes in waves, rushing over us every now and then, sneaking up on us. And even when we know the wave is coming, sometimes it gathers strength in the last moments and completely bowls us over.

  9. Karin says:

    I get those days too – a lot less than I did a few months ago, but when you’ve been with some one for that long, you can’t help it. Even if you get over the relationship as such, it takes a lot longer to completely get over that person – he was probably your best friend. I’d be more worried if I wasn’t getting the odd sad day, its better to let it out.

    x


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