The BluesPosted: September 9, 2011
This is a Blue post.
They’re rare these days, so I’m sure you can handle it.
I can’t always be hilarious….jeeeeeez!
While I am happier than I remember being in a long time, while my sad-making body chemicals are finally starting to right themselves and while everything seems a little clearer and a little brighter, there are Blue Moments.
I guess, you don’t just get over a relationship like the one I had with Him.
Sure, I’ve distracted myself from it.
I’ve pushed it down under lots of other things.
I’ve been very practical and factual about it on the surface.
And I sometimes I really do think ‘Hey this isn’t so bad!”
But most of the time, all I’m dealing with is what’s on the surface.
Because I don’t think I can deal with all of it at once.
I think I’m fine – I think I’m making progress – and then I realise I’m really not.
It overwhelms me and I know I’ve been kidding myself.
It’s still a ‘thing’.
It still hurts.
And I curl up into a tight little ball and stay very still and very quiet for a little while.
And then I feel better.
I feel brighter.
I still feel we made the right decision.
Most of the time, I feel I’ve moved on.
Other times it feels like I never will.
And it’s made me afraid.
Afraid to open up to someone new.
Afraid to be any more than ‘casual’.
Because moving on means letting go.
It also means stepping into The Unknown.
Being vulnerable and risking being hurt like the many times it happened before Him.
Being with Him was safe and warm and just full of love.
He was my home.
It was never like that with anyone else.
Right now, I don’t think I can be hurt again.
And I don’t know if I can find someone to make me feel like that again.
But I do have hope.
And I do know that this feeling isn’t forever.
I can already see how much progress I’ve made since it all happened.
And I know I can’t stay in this one place – this limbo – forever.
Moving on is a good thing.
A scary thing.
But a good thing.
I’m tentative and I’m building up walls.
But I’m leaving gaps between the bricks.
Just in case.