A little letter to….The Boy

The 21st of May 2011.

We joked wryly about the apocalypse that everyone else laughed so flippantly over.
On the inside, on some level, we were believers.
Everyone joked as the day ended and they were still in one piece.
But we didn’t.
Our worlds – correction: our world – did end that day.
By midnight, we’d dismantled the life we’d created together and I slept alone in what had been our bed, staring at a blank future.

Subconsciously, I’d tried to warn us a few weeks early.
Without fail, whenever I feel like I’m losing control of things, I cut my hair stupidly short or I stubbornly attempt to pierce the cartilage in my ear yet again.
This time is was the hair.
I was too preoccupied with other things to pick up on it and you just didn’t see anything unusual about it.
Why would you?
I haven’t felt the need to do either of those things in four years.

That night, I sat with The Bessie watching the rain pour down, while the wind howled around the now too-big house, and I was unable to verbalise what exactly had led to all this.
You and I knew.
We could feel it.
It was nothing concrete.
There was no anger or hate.
Just sadness.
Sadness in its purest form.
We felt helpless.
We’d tried so hard.
We were still more in love than we’d ever imagined possible.
But somewhere along the line we’d lost something – that elusive something – and that missing cog had sent us into a tailspin.

I know you would’ve kept us going.
You would’ve ignored the absence of The Something and convinced yourself everything was fine.
To be honest, as you gathered up your bags on that last trip out our front door, my own resolve wavered and I came so close to asking you to stay, which of course you would have.
In a heartbeat.
But in the end, I loved you too much to do that.
All I wanted – all I want – is to be with you, to have you, but you deserve so much more than this.

You’ve always been like an almost-dream to me.
I could never truly believe that you’d chosen me.
You’re the sweetest boy I’d ever known and you. loved. me.
Me.
You were the only person ever to tell me I was beautiful, and while I laughed it off and called you an eejit, I nearly burst with happiness every time you said it, because I knew regardless of truth, you meant it.
You – the most wonderful guy I’d ever know – meant it.
You made me your world.
And you were mine.
The only man in my life to never let me down.

So how could I tie you to this half-relationship?
You deserve so much more.
The perfect girl and the perfect house …with the perfect kids.
When we found out that I might not be able to give you that, you said it didn’t matter.
You didn’t skip a beat and I know in your heart you meant it.
But I wanted you to have everything you wanted.
Absolutely everything.
And you wanted that so badly, regardless of how much you reassured me.

But I never wanted you to know sadness.
It’s a part of me by now, but you’ve managed to stay untouched by real sadness, shining with an almost-innocence and I was starting to taint that.
I hated that.
And maybe that’s what started the downward spiral.

But we’ll never really know.

All we did know was that we were driving ourselves in the ground.
We had no choice.
And so we hacked away the bonds, until we were bloody and bruised, but separate.
Not free, though.
Not yet.
Maybe not ever.

I feel like there’s a giant hole in my chest.
Like someone took out a huge chunk of me and is now expecting me to survive without it.
Every now and again a wave crashes down on me, knocking the air out of my lungs and crushing my body, so that I feel hopeless and helpless.
I collapse wherever I am and sob until I can breathe again.
Until I can get back on top of it all and squash it into that tattered shoebox for another short while.

I know you’re going through the same thing in your own way.
And I hate that.
I want nothing more than to take it all from you, so you feel light again.
But I can’t.
I can’t make this better for you.
And that’s the worst part of all of this.

That’s why I stayed in our house.
That’s why I curl up on our couch.
That’s why I sleep in our bed.
So you can get away from the memories.
So you have a chance to feel better even if I can only make it happen a little but quicker.

I love you.

I wish we’d gone out in a blaze of fury.
I wish you hated me.
It would make this less of a tragedy.
It would make it easier to manage.

But that’s not how it worked out and now I sit here knowing that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me and that I don’t have you any more.
I will spend every second praying and hoping and wishing for you to be a part of my life again.
But for now, all I ask is that you try your hardest to be happy.
Because if you’re happy,  it makes all this worth while.
It will help me to keep going.
Help me to survive.
And that’s all I can hope for right now.

Advertisements

30 Comments on “A little letter to….The Boy”

  1. 😦 I don’t know what to say other than ‘This made me cry. Cry like a damn baby in the middle of the office’.

    I’m so sad 😦

  2. oh my god! 😦
    This is just too sad! 😦
    Didn’t expect this to happen! 😦

    *hugs*

  3. Katherine says:

    Dammit. I am very sorry to read this!

  4. Aisling says:

    Oh gosh. Never cried at a blogpost before! 😦 That is just too sad to even comprehend at 9.45am.

    I don’t really think anything I could say will make you feel better.x

  5. Kitty Cat says:

    Hermia I’m so sorry to read this. I don’t know what to say. Hugs. xx

  6. Beckydazzler says:

    poor thing 😦
    *endless hug*
    xxxxxxx

  7. Cypriotchick says:

    although this made me cry, i can’t imagine what you are going through. We will always be here for you and we hope that you will be ok *hugs* *chocolate* *romantic movies* *tissues… lots of tissues*

  8. Ali says:

    Wow, I can’t believe this. I remember hearing how you first met in the CATI center and all your lovely stories. You will have many more, whatever they may be. Hope you’re ok x

  9. Honey! If you feel like this….maybe you are meant to be together!

  10. Magatha May says:

    ‘hug’

    this is beautifully written and your ability to be so open and honest at a time like this in your life is an inspiration to many of us.

    And to, probably, misquote the Queen – ‘Without love there would not be grief’

  11. Blau von T says:

    XOXO

    I know you have my number and I hope you know that you can use it anytime day or night x

  12. Susan says:

    Hey Kitty,

    Always here if you want a chat and a cuppa. I know exactly how you feel.

    x
    Suz

  13. Emma says:

    Very sorry. although it has to be said that even in the face of such sadness, the love you have for him, for each other, is beautiful. Hope you’re ok x

  14. chantelle says:

    Beautiful heartbreaking piece. Well done for being so brave. Hope you are ok.

  15. Laura says:

    Very very sorry to hear this, sending you love xx

  16. Amy says:

    Gosh, this really made me cry.
    I hope you’re okay x

  17. Diana says:

    Hermia, I know for what you are talking about…I’ll tell you just that, you are meant to be with this man, no matter what the problems are…

  18. This made me cry – I really am so, so sorry. If you ever want to rant and vent to a stranger far away, you have my email address.

  19. Kellebelle says:

    Oh god. So sad… thinking of you 😦
    x

  20. Polly says:

    I was so shocked to read this! It is a beautiful letter. I’m sorry that you’re going through this. Lots of hugs, xx

  21. Anna says:

    Beautiful piece, right from the heart. Be strong, everything will be ok. x

  22. Mary Grace says:

    I’m so sorry to hear that you’re in such pain. I wish I could do something to make everything better.

  23. glamrocks says:

    Aww Hermia, we are both very sorry to hear this and hope you are doing well. Take care and time is a great healer..
    glad we can read your blog again! Couldnt get on it for a while !
    Lou & Una x x

  24. Karin Carthy says:

    Oh Hermia, I know I’m really late with this, but only because I wasn’t able to do what you could, and write out everything like that in words. Going through the exact same thing myself and I abandoned my blog and curled up in a ball and just ignored the entire world and cried, so I have nothing but admiration and respect for you for being able to write that so beautifully.

    Breaks ups SUCK. I’m so sorry 😦

    xxx

  25. beautifully written, but, man, did it make me sad 😦

  26. Ena says:

    im sorry Hermia:( i neglected your blog and now you’re single, so am i all of sudden, weird
    x

  27. LolaDee says:

    I am balling. I’ve actually just soaked my tshirt with tears. Hadn’t been on your blog in a while so only saw this now. I’m really sorry. I hope you’re doing ok. Nothing anyone says can make this easier for you. I will say though, regarding this…

    ‘I wish we’d gone out in a blaze of fury.
    I wish you hated me.
    It would make this less of a tragedy.
    It would make it easier to manage.’

    …I know you think it’s easier when someone hates you. But actually, thats quite horrible and tragic and impossible to manage. I envy the obvious love that’s still there. It’s rare and beautiful and you should be proud of it.

    Hope things get easier..XO

  28. […] I do know that this feeling isn’t forever. I can already see how much progress I’ve made since it all happened. And I know I can’t stay in this one place – this limbo – forever. Moving on is a […]

  29. jojopant says:

    Oh my god! I’ve only now come to your blog and I am speechless. I am crying, and I have no damn idea what to say right now.
    *loads and loads of hugs*


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s