Let me tell you about the time I….was broken up with via EmailPosted: November 14, 2010
This is a long ‘un, but it’s juicy and there are pretty pictures so maybe grab some tea…..
And before the outrage begins, I should start this by saying that it wasn’t a romantic break-up.
*pauses as the torches and pitchforks are put away*
I’ve had a few best friends during my life and even have a number of ‘best friends’ at the same time – you know, you might have a best friend from your college friends, one out of your work friends, one out of your home friends and so on.
I drifted from most of these friends, due to taking completely different paths, living in different areas/countries or just a general lack of time on both parts -it’s something that happens to everyone and it’s something that happens naturally.
Well it happens naturally with most people.
This particular best mate was one of the few who left the country.
Was I worried when she left?
Nah, sure myself and The Boy survived a year apart when we went to France and we were only going out a few months at that stage.
Plus I have a number of friends who left emigrated or returned home to their countries that I’m still close to! One of my very best friends has been living abroad for a couple of years and we’re Kool and the Gang still!
Of course the super-in-sync-ness isn’t as strong after some time apart, but once you keep in touch, when you meet up, BAM you’re back where you started!
So anyway, things were going grand for many-a-month.
The emails were very frequent – much more so than the other friends she’d left behind – and we still had things in common and could tell each other the ‘private stuff’.
And then there was a small incident where I felt she’d betrayed me, I called her up on it, she retorted, I explained how she’d upset me by what she did…
…and then I didn’t hear from her for two months.
Just like that.
Although I felt I was the one who was wronged and thought The Silent Treatment was both unwarranted and a little childish, after the couple of months had passed, I caved.
Seeing she was online, I swallowed my pride and said “Hey”.
And she replied saying “I’m writing you an email”.
Looked like we still had the in-synch-ness good friends shared.
I waited patiently until I had to leave work and when I eventually got home, I found a lengthy email in my inbox.
I opened it expecting to read a “I’m sorry about what happened, but I didn’t like the way you reacted…” email, to which I would give an “I’m sorry I was probably over-emotional, but I guess I just felt…” reply and then we’d kiss and make up.
But what I found left me shell-shocked.
In fact, a few months after the email, I’m still a little in shock and I guess I’m hoping this post will help me deal with what happened.
To summarise a long email of out-of-the-blue claims and accusations, she basically said that it was “obvious to both of us how much we’ve grown apart”.
Yeah….I’m not sure where the “both of us” part makes sense.
I mean obviously geographical distance takes it’s toll on a relationship, but I think constant emailing and story-sharing would indicate a certain closeness.
Old incidents from our years of friendship were dredged up (and made up and exaggerated, might I add) and I felt very defensive as I felt she was using my depression against me.
Was that fair?
I was always careful not to let it affect my friends and I’ve never burdened people in my life with it. I never look for pity, because there are people with far worse wrong with them, but at the end of the day it’s a sickness I’m fighting every day and shouldn’t friends provide support or at least some understanding?
I took great pains to send a reply that was level-headed and as fair as I could be. I pointed out when things she said simply weren’t true and tried to clear up issues she had.
She couldn’t possibly give up on our friendship because of a few miles of distance, right?
A little effort was to be expected to make it work!
A few days later I received the shortest reply of all time, which didn’t address the many points I made and contained the phrase “there’s nothing else I can say”.
I have a great support group at home and I still have by BEST-best friend, but man, did I feel like shit!
I mean these things can happen…you drift naturally…emails lessen…you forget their birthday…it happens.
But this was a well thought out amputation!
I’m not a bad friend, by any means.
I’m loyal to a fault. I don’t bitch about friends behind their back. I’ll defend them to the bitter end with other people even if they’re in the wrong (and only in private will I tell them if I think they’re out of line).
I watched her push other people away, but I never thought she’d be that cold or vicious to me.
I turned a blind eye when she acted like something she wasn’t in an attempt to be ‘cool’ around other people. I ignored the sneakiness. I didn’t complain when she purposely kept things a secret from me, even when I was offended that even though she wouldn’t admit it, she was trying to one-up me.
And then she did that to me.
Not the friends who had used her, bitched about her, humiliated her in public, ditched her when something better came along, was ‘too busy’ to give her time.
Am I bitter?
But I’m more hurt than anything.
And even now I still feel a loyalty to her.
I’ve told hardly anyone about this, not wanting to ‘bitch’ behind her back.
The couple of people in my life that knew her that I confided (tearfully) in have torn her to shreds for the way she acted, but I still defend her to them -I still try to understand where she’s coming from.
Even if I don’t believe what I’m saying.
Even if I feel that she did it because she didn’t want to have to deal with me telling her to be herself and not the fake, superficial creature she was coming across as while she tried to fit in with ‘her new group’.
I feel guilty finishing this post.
Should I hit ‘Publish’?
What if she reads this?
Maybe I want her to read this…maybe I want her to realise what she did and decide if being cold and nasty is the person she wants to be.
Maybe I just need to get it written down on paper (or blog post) and see if I can make a picture out of the thousands of pieces.
Or maybe I just need to get some closure.
Just put a lid on the box and shove it at the back of a closet, where it can be found in 40 years time when I can barely remember her name.