Let me tell you about the time I….was broken up with via Email

This is a long ‘un, but it’s juicy and there are pretty pictures so maybe grab some tea…..
And before the outrage begins, I should start this by saying that it wasn’t a romantic break-up.
*pauses as the torches and pitchforks are put away*

I’ve had a few best friends during my life and even have a number of ‘best friends’ at the same time – you know, you might have a best friend from your college friends, one out of your work friends, one out of your home friends and so on.
I drifted from most of these friends, due to taking completely different paths, living in different areas/countries or just a general lack of time on both parts -it’s something that happens to everyone and it’s something that happens naturally.

Well it happens naturally with most people.

This particular best mate was one of the few who left the country.
Was I worried when she left?
Nah, sure myself and The Boy survived a year apart when we went to France and we were only going out a few months at that stage.
Plus I have a number of friends who left emigrated or returned home to their countries that I’m still close to! One of my very best friends has been living abroad for a couple of years and we’re Kool and the Gang still!
Of course the super-in-sync-ness isn’t as strong after some time apart, but once you keep in touch, when you meet up, BAM you’re back where you started!

So anyway, things were going grand for many-a-month.
The emails were very frequent – much more so than the other friends she’d left behind – and we still had things in common and could tell each other the ‘private stuff’.
And then there was a small incident where I felt she’d betrayed me, I called her up on it, she retorted, I explained how she’d upset me by what she did…

…and then I didn’t hear from her for two months.
Just like that.

Although I felt I was the one who was wronged and thought The Silent Treatment was both unwarranted and a little childish, after the couple of months had passed, I caved.
Seeing she was online, I swallowed my pride and said “Hey”.
And she replied saying “I’m writing you an email”.
Looked like we still had the in-synch-ness good friends shared.

I waited patiently until I had to leave work and when I eventually got home, I found a lengthy email in my inbox.
I opened it expecting to read a “I’m sorry about what happened, but I didn’t like the way you reacted…” email, to which I would give an “I’m sorry I was probably over-emotional, but I guess I just felt…” reply and then we’d kiss and make up.

But what I found left me shell-shocked.
In fact, a few months after the email, I’m still a little in shock and I guess I’m hoping this post will help me deal with what happened.

To summarise a long email of out-of-the-blue claims and accusations, she basically said that it was “obvious to both of us how much we’ve grown apart”.
Yeah….I’m not sure where the “both of us” part makes sense.
I mean obviously geographical distance takes it’s toll on a relationship, but I think constant emailing and story-sharing would indicate a certain closeness.

Old incidents from our years of friendship were dredged up (and made up and exaggerated, might I add) and I felt very defensive as I felt she was using my depression against me.
Was that fair?
I was always careful not to let it affect my friends and I’ve never burdened people in my life with it. I never look for pity, because there are people with far worse wrong with them, but at the end of the day it’s a sickness I’m fighting every day and shouldn’t friends provide support or at least some understanding?

I took great pains to send a reply that was level-headed and as fair as I could be. I pointed out when things she said simply weren’t true and tried to clear up issues she had.
She couldn’t possibly give up on our friendship because of a few miles of distance, right?
A little effort was to be expected to make it work!
A few days later I received the shortest reply of all time, which didn’t address the many points I made and contained the phrase “there’s nothing else I can say”.

I have a great support group at home and I still have by BEST-best friend, but man, did I feel like shit!
I mean these things can happen…you drift naturally…emails lessen…you forget their birthday…it happens.
But this was a well thought out amputation!
I’m not a bad friend, by any means.
I’m loyal to a fault. I don’t bitch about friends behind their back. I’ll defend them to the bitter end with other people even if they’re in the wrong (and only in private will I tell them if I think they’re out of line).
I watched her push other people away, but I never thought she’d be that cold or vicious to me.
I turned a blind eye when she acted like something she wasn’t in an attempt to be ‘cool’ around other people. I ignored the sneakiness. I didn’t complain when she purposely kept things a secret from me, even when I was offended that even though she wouldn’t admit it, she was trying to one-up me.

And then she did that to me.
To me.
Not the friends who had used her, bitched about her, humiliated her in public, ditched her when something better came along, was ‘too busy’  to give her time.

Am I bitter?
But I’m more hurt than anything.
And even now I still feel a loyalty to her.
I’ve told hardly anyone about this, not wanting to ‘bitch’ behind her back.
The couple of people in my life that knew her that I confided (tearfully) in have torn her to shreds for the way she acted, but I still defend her to them -I still try to understand where she’s coming from.
Even if I don’t believe what I’m saying.
Even if I feel that she did it because she didn’t want to have to deal with me telling her to be herself and not the fake, superficial creature she was coming across as while she tried to fit in with ‘her new group’.

I feel guilty finishing this post.
Should I hit ‘Publish’?
What if she reads this?
Maybe I want her to read this…maybe I want her to realise what she did and decide if being cold and nasty is the person she wants to be.

Maybe I just need to get it written down on paper (or blog post) and see if I can make a picture out of the thousands of pieces.

Or maybe I just need to get some closure.
Just put a lid on the box and shove it at the back of a closet, where it can be found in 40 years time when I can barely remember her name.


32 Comments on “Let me tell you about the time I….was broken up with via Email”

  1. Alyssa says:

    It’s always so so awful when a friend just shuts down on you like that. Especially when you were under the belief that things were fine…
    Maybe she will read this and understand what she did was wrong. Maybe at the time she was going through some stuff that she couldn’t handle so pushed away someone that cared to try and cope. or maybe that is just the type of person she is….
    Try and let it go, it’s only hurting you by holding onto to it xx

  2. kellebelle says:

    That sucks – there’s nothing worse than when a friend treats you badly. I def think writing things down like that helps in dealing with it – it’s like a break up, but you never expect that from your best friend.


  3. Jules says:

    i have to say that that pretty much sucks. Ditto happened to myself and a few friends, we were meant to be meeting up like in March (I was arranging it, i.e. I was doing all the chasing) and they were ignoring all my texts and emails. It felt like it was a stab in the stomach; and, whilst I remembered their birthdays (i.e. sending them emails), on my birthday I got diddly squat. I totally agree with writing what happened down, it’ll help you deal with it, letting the past go and it’ll make you stronger, too! x

  4. wonderwoman says:

    GET A LIFE, what do you think you’re doing in your blog but bitching about her and looking for sympathies. Its time to grow up and move on.

    ” I’m loyal to a fault. I don’t bitch about friends behind their back. I’ll defend them to the bitter end with other people even if they’re in the wrong (and only in private will I tell them if I think they’re out of line) ” – don’t you think you’re being a little contradictory here ?!

    Counselling ?

  5. Ach Hermia m’dear. We’ve all been there. A phonecall wouldn’t have gone amiss though I think. Email is just as harsh as text in my opinion.


  6. Karin says:

    I really, really feel for you here. My best friend stopped talking to me about two years ago – she was hiding something, we found out and totally didn’t care, but she was either upset or embarrassed that we knew and just distanced herself from us. We were all close to her, but I was her BEST friend, and it absolutely broke my heart that she could just so easily cut me out like that. Even though it was totally her doing, I caved after a while and tried talking sense to her, but it just never really got back to normal. This girl was literally my sister, like I would have done absolutely anything for her, and even after all that, I still miss her to bits.

    You have my sympathies! xx

  7. Raquel says:

    Get over yourself! if she doesnt want to be friends with you thats her choice. You seem to think that you are such a good friend that nobody could possible ever dislike you or choose to end or decline your friendship. my idea of a friend is definitly not somebody who decides im being fake or trying to change myself to fit in with others, who are you to make that jugement on her? Just because you called yourself her friend does not mean you can decide what is the best way for her to act or conduct herself or who she may like to be friends with. Not everybody is going to like you and want what you call your friendship but thats life! Somebody else will cherish what youve got to offer as a friend and will count themselves very lucky.

    • Wow, you’re spirited! The issue isn’t that I can’t understand why people don’t want to be my friend (and I never actually said that) -I’m not an idiot, I know I’m not for everyone and vice versa. It was the abruptness and sheer coldness of the way it was ended that killed me and without any valid reason. I was literally in bits when it happened and cried buckets I was so hurt! I’d have never done that, not ever.
      Thanks for your comment though! 🙂

      • Raquel says:

        On reading back over my comment i feel it sounded a bit harsh, and on reading your reply i better understand your hurt over what happened. Although I have to say i do not feel your sadness and hurt came across in the original post. I felt the post came across as more about the reasons she should have been valuing your friendship instead of ending it and condemning her for being ‘fake’ and spending time with people who you did not feel were right for her. To me, it did not sound as if you were lamenting the friendship, but trying to justify your righteousness in the situation and looking for confirmation on her wrongdoing. I too have had some abrupt endings to friendships I had valued and in time I have come to realise that frienship is something you choose and why should you keep it in your life if you dont feel it is right. It is still very recent so hopefully you will feel better about it soon. I wish you all the best and really enjoy your blog.

  8. wonderwoman says:

    In the spirit of fairness, will my earlier comment be posted ?

    As the saying goes, theres two sides to every story ! You’re only giving your “cyber friends” your one sided version, a whole lot of what you have printed is so, so untrue but you know what Karma is a bitch and it does have a habit of working its way back.

    • You’re a new comment-leaver, so your comments have to be approved by me in case you’re a spammer. I wasn’t not printing your earlier comment, I just wasn’t at a computer to approve it until now.

      In regards to your earlier comment, I’m not being contradictory. For one, this post isn’t bitchy -this is me expressing how I felt about an issue that really hurt me on MY blog. And yes, I don’t bitch about friends behind their backs ever, and if you do feel that this was bitchy, well the person in question made it clear she isn’t a friend, so….

      Obviously you’re somewhat connected with the person this is about, so I can understand why you feel defensive -I guess you’re trying to be a good friend and that’s admirable. I haven’t made it obvious who this is about and really from the general specifics I mentioned, it could be about a number of people, considering I’ve never spread this story around, with the exception of telling The Boy and two very close friends who barely know her. I didn’t give a ‘one-sided version’ here. I admitted I could have pissed her off at the beginning, I admitted my depression could have been a factor despite my efforts and anything that’s my own personal opinion on a situation isn’t ‘untrue’ -it’s how I feel.

      Also, writing ‘counselling?’ on the blog of a person who is in counselling for depression isn’t the most sensitive thing to do, so maybe keep an eye on that when dealing with people in the future.

      Thanks for your comment though! If you really feel a need to have a go at me, I can’t stop you, but you have said your piece and I have responded, so I’d appreciate if you didn’t start a slagging match as I wrote this post, not for sympathy, but to help me get through something that hurt me…counsellors encourage people to write about things and this is my writing space, where my ‘cyber friends’ provide amazing support.

  9. Fe... says:

    Wow, you make realize it’s that fragile, friendship. You can be the bestest pal one day and someone completely different the other. But I think this makes this special relationship even more precious. After this, I’m going to take a completely different view on friendships. I really won’t take it for granted, as I sometimes slip to do… My sympathy for you, but also thanks for the kind reminder 🙂

  10. I’m so glad it helped you Fé!!!! Bring on the positivity! 🙂

  11. I understand all too well how awful this feels. All I can say is this: At least she bothered with writing to you. Two of my very closest friends recently decided they can’t stand me & rather than telling me themselves, they took to talking badly about me to our entire town. When I moved home, I was bombarded with comments from other friends telling me to steer clear of them because they were on the warpath about me. Would you believe I saw one of them at a bar last night & she had the gall to say hello & act chatty, like everything was nice & normal? Like she liked me & HADN’T been spreading meanness all across town? I sent her an email & asked her to please drop the phoniness – that I don’t know what I’ve done to her this time, but she doesn’t need to pretend like everything’s peachy. We were friends once, good friends, & if a friendship is going to die, I’d at least like for it to go respectfully. But geez. The nerve of people.

  12. Eve says:

    I’m sorry! This sounds awful. I hate it when friends upset you and then say that you’re the one who upset them and that you should be apologizing. She obviously doesn’t want to try to be friends because “long distant friendship” is really not that hard. I have many friends whom I’m still great buddies with even though I only see them maybe one a year. I think perhaps people feel the need sometimes to have a “clean slate” and start all over again, which to them includes cutting off the friends they previously had. Well in either case I can imagine how upsetting it must have been. I hope posting this post made you feel better.

  13. El :) says:

    Boys come and go but a friendship breakup is possibly the worst thing a girl has to go through. This summer it happened to me, my friend just shut me out (partly I think due to problems I was having/stress I was under… and maybe I wasn’t the easiest person to be around but I was trying) I still do try to make an effort with her… but I don’t really care anymore when she doesn’t respond.. I only make the effort so I know I’ll have a clear conscience when it eventually blows up in smoke.

    I’m not gonna tell you there are a million other best friends out there waiting to be found because while this is true, every friendship is unique and they can’t be replicated. Just give yourself the time to be sad and upset about it and when you’re ready just put it behind you… like you would with a break up with a boy. In the meantime, chin up 🙂 Your real friends are lucky to have you and they love you for who you are.


    I love your blog…MILLIONS!!! (That sentence doesn’t make grammatical sense but whatever)

  14. Aisling says:

    If comment essays were socially acceptable, I’d write you one on this topic. I totally sympathise AND empathise. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I have an idea. You’re so brave for writing about it and as you said in an earlier comment reply, the post wasn’t ‘untrue’ no matter what way you look at it, your feelings about something are only true to you.

    Fair play to you for your really level-headed and collected responses to some of the other comments. And hey, cyber friends should be taken out of quotation marks. Just because the friendship is a little bit different and not about physical presence, don’t mean it ain’t there, ya hear?! 🙂 xx

  15. sj says:

    Chin up chicky, perhaps you are now rid of a “toxic friend” and will be happier in the long run?
    I dunno but in the meantime, vent in anyway you want 😉

  16. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Aisling Keenan, Hermia. Hermia said: Let me tell you about the time I….was broken up with via Email: http://t.co/oFHesuz […]

  17. ena says:

    your blog is like counselling for me, having bit of a crappy day/last two weeks and i feel better coming to you’re blog to relax and just read. Interesting comments today.

    keep ur chin up hermy! (thats right, as a daily reader i feel i can give you a nickname)

  18. Kitty Cat says:

    So sorry to hear about that Hermia, and like Aisling said, fair play to you for being so reasonable and eloquent in responding to some of the above comments. I’m not sure I’d have been able to deal with them as well as you have. Hugs, m’lady. xx

  19. terra says:

    I hope writing this all out and explaining it all and just getting it out there into the universe helped ease the hurt. I wrote about an old friend who basically dropped me a few months ago and, lo and behold, she read the post and sent me a message via facebook. We realized most the problems were misunderstandings and that we just hadn’t been honest enough with each other. Writing about it, about my side of the whole story, helped bring us back together and patch up some of those old issues. Blogging about it made me feel so, so much better.

  20. Friendship break-ups are never easy, but what you described is a proper kick in the teeth! Fair play to being so open about this subject and also for being so measured in your responses to the (conveniently anonymous) negative commenters.

  21. I realise you need to get stuff off your chest and writing is a great way of doing that…but I hate reading this.

    If your blog was completely anonymous – that’s one thing. But for the people who know you and know the other person involved, it sucks and its really sad to see.

    One of you needs to pick up the phone. Emails can be so hard to take the right way.

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