An academic *cough* investigation into the societal obsession with Twilight despite it being technically shit

On Saturday night after an wondrous few hours spent oooing and ahhing at the Eurovision, the rain and general laziness dissuaded myself and my good friend Pamela from going out to a nightclub.

Instead I switched the kettle on and whipped us up two cups of tea, while she popped New Moon into the DVD player.

And there we sat for two hours cheering every time Kristen Stewart bit her lip, cringing every time Bella or Edward declared their undying love, laughing at Jacob grabbing every little excuse to be naked and shouting “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry …Bah ha ha ha ha ha!” every time Jacob or Edward did their ‘angry’ faces.

“God I hate Twilight,” I said. “I only watch them because you can interact with them through ridicule and the likes. And the books are just as terrible.”

After that, I started to get really excited about Eclipse and even went online to book my tickets for the previews that are a month away.
I also started rereading Eclipse.
And have gotten really angry every time I’ve picked it up, because the writing is clumsy and immature, Bella whinges the whole time and Edward mopes while Jacob spends his time being a jerk.

But I’m still middle obsessed.
And I’m still going to be excited about the next movie.
And I’m still going to continue to reread the books.

But why?

Sure, the basic story is interesting and imaginative, but it’s badly executed by a deluded author, the characters are unappealing, there are dozens of inconsistencies within the story and there are endless amounts of paragraphs everyone enjoys skipping.

And the movies.
There was one medium that could have done the story justice.
Except it hired even worse writers than Stephanie Myers to make up the script.
And they had a deaf, dumb and blind monkey looking after the casting.
And they best special effect they could muster in the first instalment was the chuck some glitter over Robert Patinson.

And yet the world is possessed by and obsessed with the story.

I NEED to understand this!

So over the next few weeks, I aim to study, examine, investigate (and other such synonyms) the Twilight series to find that ‘thing’ that has bewitched the world and overridden its sensibilities.

My studies will be done under the following heading:

1.Bella Swan/Kristen Stewart
2.Our Leading Men
3.The Book
4.The Movie
5.The Love Story
6.The age-old appeal of Vampires, Werewolves and General Mythology
7.The ‘Tween’ Factor

Yes this may be incredibly pathetic, but I need to distract my (currently inexplicable) anticipation for Eclipse by indulging in some other Twilight-related thingy-ma-bob.
Plus I’ll get to rag on everything that’s wrong with it.
And make fun of Kristen Stewart.
Which may be my favouritist thing in the whole wide world.

I should also bring it to your attention that I change my mind quicker than it takes George Bush to say something stupid, so those heading will probably change a lot.
And I get easily bored.
So I mightn’t actually get past this post.


23 Comments on “An academic *cough* investigation into the societal obsession with Twilight despite it being technically shit”

  1. White Rabbit says:

    I have ranted on this many times before on my blog only because I’m disgusted by the Bella/Edward relationship.

    “I want my boyfriend to kill me and take me away from my friends and family because he’s just so damn pretty and I can’t stand another minute being away from that jawline…”

    “Oh no my boyfriend dumped me. I’m going to have to throw myself off a cliff because THAT’S HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM. OURS IS A LOVE GREATER THAN ROMEO AND JULIETS”

    “It’s ok for him to be cold and dismissive to me and shout at me for seeing my friends. He’s only like this because he LOVES ME. My Boyfriend is more beautiful than sunsets…SUNSETS”

    I am all for a hopeless, dreamy romance here and there but this ‘romance’ is incredibly dangerous. Also, she NEVER comments on his personality. Superficial stupid whore

    • Lol SUNSETS!!!!

      Oh well she talks about how unselfish he is a lot….so that’s sorta a personality thing….right?

      See, I feel the exact same way BUT I’m still teenagerally obssessed and I DON’T KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!! It makes NO SENSE!!!! I think I’m regressing! I was a really old-person-type teenager, so maybe my subconscious wants to have that experience now!?

  2. White Rabbit says:

    …As you can see I don’t really like Twilight *red*

  3. Oh no!
    I feel shame smothering my whole body as I begin to type this….I am 24 years old and Twilight sucked me in last year. Please don’t judge me!
    Actually, in my defence, the first one was on Sky Plus Anytime and I watched it in the middle of the night because there was nothing else on. I’d never even batted an eyelid at it before. I was sick and very emotional and before I knew it I was tracking down the second one and checking when the 3rd was released. It’s out next week. What am I like?
    Part of me really hates it though, and I sit on my couch and mock them. Maybe we all just wish a boy would come through our window? I saw a group on Facebook recently called “Throwing glitter on your boyfriend and screaming Edward!”

    Absolute shame.

    • Lol I was 21 when I read the first book. My friend has just started reading the series and was raving about it and the film was out the next week, so when I was book-shopping and it was part of the 3 for 2 offer, I picked it up! Two days later, I’d bought the other three books and three days later I’d finished them!lol! I’m 23 now and STILL obsessed and I still hate so many thing about it! Insane!

      • It just doesn’t make any sense! It sucked me in like that too. Immediate obsession. I was dreaming about vampires for a week after thinking boo, it’s so boring being a human. Duhhh! Logically, we should be able to pick it apart…well, we can…but there is something really cringe-worthy about the fact that I have the next movie release date on my calendar! SHAME! I know I’ll go see it and love it, but hate it and give out about it. Ahhhhh. What’s wrong with us?!

  4. Jenny says:

    Holy shit. I am one of two people that I know in my non internet life that HATES TWILIGHT! Me and my friend, Rhiannon like to hate on them and talk about how real vampires would never act that way! We also make fun of how dumb Bella gets herself in all those dumb jams that Edward has to rescue her out of. Puke. Keep me posted. I don’t want to watch the movies.

  5. Belle says:

    *rocks back and forth while trying to return to that special place that is my twilight saga bubble. Continue to tell myself I didn’t read this. Has some good topics for you about kirsten/kristen couldn’t care less what her name is right now because the douche is in australia and CLEARLY she doesn’t want to be here *shakes fist* continues to rock back and forth*

    I love that you state your opinion, i love how honest you are!
    (… i still love twilight though…)
    MWAH xxxxxx

  6. metrochica says:

    I’m a hater I’m afraid… I just find it painful to watch (haven’t read the books….) and totally cringe-worthy. That said, I have still seen both movies and I’m sure I will go along with my sis (who LOVES it) to the next… I blame the broody looks of Mr R-Patz!

  7. Eimear says:

    Type in Alex Reads Twilight into Youtube. It is the funniest thing! I love the books, although they are written pathetically. The story is kinda nice though. I can’t figure out what I enjoy about them, but they have the power to suck me in!

    • LOL! Brilliant!!!!
      “My name’s Bella and I’m shit in every way!”

      • theboywhofoundfear says:

        I absolutely loved those videos!! watched them all!!! Hilarious! I couldn’t actually get through the first book! I tried pretty hard but lost interest. The second film however was quite bearable compared to the first which was just ridiculous. Funny in a this is not supposed to be funny sort of way!

  8. Herself says:

    For months after my 16 year old sister became obsessed with Twilight and Edward Cullen I deliberately avoided all things vampire. But one by one, my twenty-something friends all started telling me they were in LOVE with Edward in a human-meets-fictional characted kinda way (I was mad about Aladdin for my entire 7th year).

    So I started to read the first book. The writing was so awful I barely made it through chapter one. I did go to see the movie, hoping it would make me see the light. I’ll admit, Robert Pattinson is sort of attractive in a brooding, affected type of way… and I enjoyed the film mildly… But seriously. That Kristen Stewart girl cannot act. She can’t act in films and she certainly can’t act like a normal human being when confronted with a question about the films that are turning her into a multi millionaire. GRRRR. Very grrr.

  9. Kitty Cat says:

    No. Just a bag full of no.

  10. LiLu says:

    B and I have gotten drunk and watched both movies just for the sake of mocking them mercilessly. It’s a grand old time.

  11. Munah* says:

    I shamefully admit that when I first read the series I was completely obsessed. I thought Edward Cullen was the world… then Twilight the movie came out and it was such a disappointment to me that I actually thought of suing Summit but to cure myself of this disappointment I decided to reread the series.. and then I smelt the coffee.

    The series is sh*te, so badly written and its completely stupid. Bella is stupid, she is a disgrace to the female race. I look back and I don’t see what I was so obsessed with.. ( but I was obsessed with Jacobs body in New Moon :P)

    ..I now believe that the whole series is simply overrated teenage hormonal junk. Full stop.

  12. I love the books but am so-so on the movies. Can’t wait to hear what you think! 🙂

  13. “And they had a deaf, dumb and blind monkey looking after the casting.” Damn, those monkeys get all the breaks – Wonderful post! :))

  14. I actually sat down and watched one part to see what the hell was up with those people….and I felt stupid..

  15. Ruth Crean says:

    Even worse I’m 28 and I became insanely addicted to them. Yes I agree they are awful, terribly written, Bella is a stupid chartacter with a disturbing lack belief in herself….and logically I totally agree with White Rabbit…but I still got addicted!! Why oh why oh why???
    For you crazy fellow fans I would highly recommend the audiobook, it has the lovely comfort factor of someone reading you a bedtime story

  16. LittleOwl says:

    I have to agree with you.
    No matter how many times I tell my friends that although the plot is intriguing, the writing is technically crap, they automatiucally turn away ow protest loudly.
    How is it not obvious to these people?

  17. […] and then proceed to wear said outfit in public during the sunlight hours. 3. Tell Stephenie Meyer she’s a talented wordsmith. 4. Tell Zooey Deschanel that I hate her and force her to stop making movies and music. 5. Spend a […]

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