Let me tell you about the time I….ate paper.

No, that’s not a euphemism.

And no, I can’t even say it was for a legitimate and cool reason, like a dare or a bet.

I just ate paper.

Because in my head, I’d look less ridiculous eating paper than …not eating paper.

It was just one of those awkward situations where you get embarrassed and your brain stops working.

I went to Subway for my lunch yesterday.

The only seat left was at a high table in between a middle-aged couple and an “unfriendly black hottie” to quote Mean Girls.

Now I’m an awkward eater as it is, and I hate people watching me because I usually get food all over me, especially with those Subway subs because the bread I always get is Herb and Cheese so it’s pretty inevitable that I will have tiny green bits all over my lips and inbetween my teeth.

Now, the main problem here was the couple .

The guy was reading a newspaper and the woman was just sitting, straight as a rod, staring at her surroundings.

Which happened to be me.

Which made me VERY awkward.

So I was concentrating on mastering the “take a small bite and frantically wipe mouth and subtly slosh a drink around my mouth” style of eating, when all of a sudden I looked down and saw a bite-shaped mark in the paper the sub was half-wrapped in.

And the woman was still looking at me.

I was in an awkard position as I’d already began chewing the mouthful, which meant the paper was mushed up in my foodie mouthful.

Had the woman noticed the paper eating or would I get away with it?

Should I let her know I noticed and pull it out of my mouth, along with a half-digested food?

Or should I just carry on chewing as though I hadn’t noticed.

Although then she’ll probably think I’m such a HEIFFER that I don’t even taste what I’m eating.

While I was thinking this through, I was still chewing so I’d look natural.

Which meant the paper was even MORE mushed up.

Nightmare.

So acting impulsively, I just swallowed.

And the woman kept staring.

I’m a 22-year-old and some ol’ one socially-guilted me into eating paper.

It’s not even the first time.

Normally it happens with chewing gum though.

You know how you forget you’re chewing gum and then you end up somewhere like the boyfriend nanny’s or Church, where you just can’t pull a spitty wad out of your gob!

So you swallow it.

And spend the next two hours panicking that you’re Ma was right and it’s going to spend the next 10 years in your body until it eventually blocks up your kidney/liver/spleen and you die.

You gotta love Ma Logic.

It defies science and any sensible thinking your brain is capable of.

As does social-guilting by ol’ ones.

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